


She Who Has Become Death

by Ninj



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Gen, post 2x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 08:57:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3441203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninj/pseuds/Ninj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Clarke rescues her people, she thinks about rescuing herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She Who Has Become Death

When the last 47 stagger out of Mount Weather over the corpses of the sky people, the tree people, and the mountain men Clarke is with them. She’s ushering the exodus of the her people, and she knows it’s her last act as their unofficial leader. Meanwhile, Lexa is doing the same with the surviving tree people. By unspoken agreement the truce stands, but everyone needs time to lick their wounds. Bellamy leads them to the Ark, and Clarke follows. Octavia splits off with the tree people with one last hug to her brother. She and Indra survived. So many didn't.

A small mix of tree people and sky people remain to monitor the surviving mountain men. There are less than 100 that have been saved from radiation. Clarke and Lexa saw to that with a brutal efficiency. 

“I’m sorry we didn't listen to you,” Jasper speaks for the first time since they pulled him away from Maya’s dead body. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Clarke responds. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

She can’t say she’s glad they’re ok. She doubts at this point that any of the 47 are ok. At least they’re all mobile. It’s a sick sort of relief that she feels having rescued them. Knowing that she didn't carve off pieces of her soul for nothing. The relief comes with the fact that not a lot of questions have come about what’s going on or what happened. Clarke can only hope she’s gone by the time they know everything. 

It’s almost dawn by the time they reach what’s left of the Ark. The gates are opened by the new head of the guard who stayed behind to protect the Ark survivors. Despite the early hour sky people are quick to wake when they might be reunited with their children. Although she has no desire to see her mother, Clarke did not fight these battles to let more of her people die. She’s quick to cull the injured and herd them into the med center. Abby’s been busy with the injured from the village, but she’s had people preparing for the wounded to return. Clarke counts her blessings that they were all mostly mobile. 

She spends the rest of the early morning and the day in the medical center before everyone’s stabilized and Abby pulls her out. Bellamy must have been waiting because he tries to talk to her, but Clarke brushes him off.

“In the morning Bell,” Clarke barely manages to meet his eyes, and she’s surprised when the shortened name slips out. She can tell that Bellamy doesn't like her answer by the way his jaw tightens. She wonders if he knows what happened with the missile. She figures he’s still putting pieces together because if he knew he would be at her throat. Clarke doesn't plan on being here in the morning anyway. 

Clarke makes it into her tent and collapses onto her pallet without hesitation. She can rest for a few hours, and then slip out of camp to see Lexa. She’s been thinking of what to do next all day. She no longer deserves to lead her people, but she has to help them. If it’s the last thing she does she’s going to maintain this truce between the tree and sky people. Clarke falls asleep easily, she’s exhausted after all. The benefits of being traumatized however, is that she’s a light sleeper. She wakes when the guard changes at two in the morning. She finds her pack and places her one extra shirt in it, and some rations. The tree people camp is only a few hours away. She uses the trick Raven taught her to make it under the back fence. Once she’s outside of their patrols she uncovers her head so her blond hair shines. 

The blond haired leader of the war against the mountain men is well known, if not well liked. Clarke doesn't fear much for her life, but at this point if a tree person wants to take her out she fails to see how it’s anything but paying for her sins. Clarke arrives in the village still filled with debris just as dawn is coming. She’s found some berries to share with Lexa while they talk. Clarke is able to ask for a meeting before Lexa leaves her shelter to assist her people for the day. She’s even blessed to have avoided Octavia. 

“Greetings Clarke,” Lexa seems pleased to see her. Clarke can’t tell if she’s surprised or not. They are friends, she thinks. As much as two people who make decisions on who lives and dies could be. It used to be her and Bellamy, but Clarke’s sure she lost that right. “I was not expecting you.” 

“Thank you for seeing me,” friends or not, Clarke wants the peace to last. She’s done too much with Lexa to not both fear and respect her.“I want to talk about the truce.” 

“The truce stands,” Lexa’s tone is unwavering her eyes meet Clarke with certainty.

“I want to join one of your tribes as an apprentice healer,” Clarke blurts no longer able to hold it back. “The Ark may not survive winter. Maybe some of your people would be willing to assist them in exchange.” 

Clarke’s not sure what the look in Lexa’s eye is, she thinks it might be compassion. She wouldn't be surprised if it was pity. 

“You want to bring us closer together while escaping your actions?” Lexa has never pulled her punches. “You who have done so much for your people, want to leave them?”

“Yes,” no. Clarke doesn't want to leave, but she raises her chin in defiance anyway. “I want to make sure they survive winter.” 

Now it’s definitely pity that Lexa is examining her with. “The sky people are not so easy to kill.” She gestures to Clarke to sit at her table and hands her a comb. “You are a warrior Clarke. A leader.” 

Clarke holds the comb uncertainty even as she sits. “I was supposed to be a healer.” 

“We are what we are,” Lexa is harder to read when they are at odds. She makes not move to sit at the table with Clarke. “Braid your hair Clarke. You can’t be what you aren't.”

Clarke sits in silence unable to move. 

“I must attend my people,” Lexa strides towards the door, and delivers as a parting shot “We have done much good together Clarke of the sky people. Do not let yourself be unmade.” 

Clarke finds herself alone in silent thought. She feels unmade already. So far from what she thought she was. She wishes for Finn or for Bellamy. Even for Raven who knows how she got here. Clarke suspects they would have similar things to say to Lexa. None of them are who they were on the Ark. They have all been unmade and remade. Clarke thinks she liked herself better before. 

If the Ark hadn't crashed, and the mountain men hadn't taken her people Clarke thinks she could have been happy. That she and Bellamy could have led her people and they would have made tough choices. But they would have lived with them. Finn’s blood is on her hands, tree people, and mountain men blood is on her hands. Hers and to some extent Lexa’s. Clarke can’t think of what she’s become without seeing all the blood. She picks up the comb.

***

It is hours before Lexa finds her, with Octavia and Bellamy at her heels. They stride into the healing tent she’s with Nyko in learning how to apply a poultice to a wounded warrior. Clarke can feel Lexa’s eyes sweep down her back over the single braid, and single braids are not the style of warriors. She looks almost sad for a brief moment. 

“Clarke, what are you doing here?” Bellamy speaks, frustration and some mixed relief clear in his tone. “Do you know how upset the camp was to find you were gone?” 

“You knew where to find me,” Clarke points out not looking up from her task. “I needed to talk to Lexa.” 

“You needed to talk to me,” Bellamy corrects grabbing for her arm to pull her up. Surprisingly, the warrior moves to block him, which startles Clarke and she moves away from the altercation, but of course, as soon as she’s up, they settle. “The Council is meeting and we need to protect our people.”

“That’s what I’m doing,” Clarke answers following him out of the tent. Lexa has said nothing, but she looks resigned as she escorts the three of them to her tent. “That’s why I came to talk to Lexa.” 

“What does The Commander have to do with the council?” Bellamy has never really taken to the tree people, but at least he knows he doesn't have leave to address Lexa without her title.

“The survivors need resources,” Clarke answers making sure her voice is firm. “We need guides. Even with the Ark providing more shelter winter is going to be hard for them.” 

“Why do you keep saying them?” Octavia speaks for the first time, but she’s been looking at Clarke funny since they found her. Looking at Clarke and then at Lexa. 

“I talked with Lexa and I talked with Nyko,” Clarke raises her chin and meets Bellamys angry eyes. “I’m going with Nyko and another one of the 12 tribes for winter. We’re going to teach each other and look for new students. His second died. Lexa and I haven’t worked out all the details but some tree people will help the Ark survive winter.” 

Bellamy opens his mouth to argue, but instead he just smirks. “Oh Princess, Abby will never let her daughter leave the Ark.” 

“We’ll see,” Clarke answers with a shrug. “When is the council meeting I need to iron out some proposals with the Commander.” 

Poor Bellamy looks a little bit out of his depth. She’s sure this wasn't what he was expecting when he got back. Clarke running away from him, and from camp. He’ll be ok with it eventually because he might not know everything that happened yet, but he will. In the meantime, he know’s she’s not giving up on her plan without a fight. So he falls back on the familiar territory of Bellamy and Clarke are fighting. 

“Well it was going to be today, but no one could find you,” Bellamy implies she’s been inconsiderate and inconvenienced everyone. To be fair, she probably has. “So it’s first thing tomorrow. Octavia can bring you back tonight.” 

“Nyko will send someone with me,” Clarke answers. “I don’t think Indra’s in charge of the healers.”

“Indra will be in charge of rebuilding Ton DC,” Lexa confirms. “I have put Nyko under a new chief since he must travel for new students. Clarke will be protected on her journey to you.” 

Bellamy just scowls and walks out. Clarke isn't fooled though. He’s gearing up and gathering resources. Bellamy will try to be prepared by the time the council meets. Clarke is serene in the knowledge that by the time the council meets he’ll want her dead, and will settle for having her far away. 

Lexa and Clarke are the only ones in the tent, and Clarke’s not sure when Lexa moved to her side. She picks up Clarke’s braid and studies it. 

“It doesn't suit you,” Lexa meets her eyes and is solemn. “Clarke of the sky people you have fought well for your people. I will allow you to winter with the healers in Balt. But your wishes are not without consequences.”

“They never are,” Clarke says bitterly. She doesn't look away from Lexa. “You aren't going to be in Balt are you?”

“Not this year,” Lexa moves to her chair and sits regarding Clarke closely. If she’s unhappy about the situation she’s realized she has the power to change it. “We will trade people if your council wills it. The sky people will survive I have little doubt. In the spring the tribes will meet up again. You will join my warriors for the summer.”

“As a healer?” Clarke’s head is pounding. She’s so afraid of what she can do with Lexa. They’re ruthless together. The whole point was to remove herself from that situation, and try to learn how to trust herself not to kill people because it was the only way. 

“As what you are,” Lexa is ambiguous in her answer. “Return to Nyko and see who will accompany you to the Ark.” 

“How many people do you want to trade?” Clarke asks even as she moves towards to door. 

“I will discuss that with Kane. I have sent for him. You are a healer, and I don’t imagine it to be much of a healers concern,” it’s a clear dismissal from the commander of the tree people. She’s turned her attention elsewhere by the time Clarke exits. 

***  
Clarke returns to camp with little fanfare. She goes to the med center to find her mother. She wants as little open opposition tomorrow as possible. 

Abby looks up as she enters, and Clarke doesn't hesitate before joining her in changing the patients bandages. It’s one of the ark guards, injured in the battle for Mt. Weather. Clarke scans her eyes over the remaining beds checking for the 47. There are four. Monroe is clearly the one still recovering.

“Did you talk to The Commander?” Abby asks softly as they move towards the benches and start sorting medical supplies. 

“I did,” Clarke confirms. “She’ll come to talk to the council tomorrow. You have to plan for winter.” 

Abby looks up mildly surprised. “Are you leaving the council?”

“I was never on the council,” Clarke answers. She’s unsurprised at her mothers snort of derision. She sorts through the last of her supplies and notes the level down on the tablet. “We think we should exchange people for the truce. I volunteered.” 

“What about your friends? You fought hard to get them back.” Abby asks her. “What are they going to think of you leaving again?” 

“The Ark is here now,” Clarke responds vaguely. She doubts it’ll be a smooth transition. Sent down here to die, there’s bound to be lingering resentments. “Bellamy will understand what’s best for them.” 

“So you’re going to join Octavia and Lexa?” Abby sounds sharp and upset, prompting Clarke to make eye contact for the first time. Her eyes are dark with fear. 

“No,” Clarke whispers. “I’m joining Nyko. To be a healer.” 

“All the healing in the world won’t get the blood off your hands,” Abby whispers harshly checking over her shoulder to see who might be listening. She and Clarke walk out into the hallway where there are less prying ears. “You can’t just leave Clarke and think there are no consequences.” 

“I will never wash all the blood off my hands,” Clarke whispers back repeating Abby’s accusation. “I have killed people. I killed Finn so that we could have this truce. I have spent 102 days fighting everyday. And I have made sure that you will all get through this winter. And that maybe, maybe when I come back I’ll have the blood of people I've helped on my hands, not just the ones that I've killed..” 

“We let 300 people die before we brought the Ark to Earth,” Abby whispers. “We went to war with you. No ones hands are clean.”

“So start over,” Clarke answers straightening. She walks right back into the med bay to spend the rest of the night with patients. Begin as you mean to go on. “It’s sure as hell what I plan to do.” 

***

The next morning Clarke was exhausted as she dragged herself into the council room. She had cat napped at Monroe’s side for a bit once she was sure she was asleep. The 47 had spent several weeks in the mountain without her, led by Monty and Jasper and rescued mostly by Bellamy. They were used to her absence and she wouldn't want them to think she was trying to act as their leader again. Clarke doesn't take a seat at the table where Kane, Abby, and Lexa are already waiting. Instead she leans against the wall. Indra sits at the table with Lexa and a few more adults from the Ark join. Clarke thinks she recognizes the new head of the guard. Bellamy strides in towards the end and sits defiantly glaring at the adults. 

“The Commander tells us the truce with the grounders will stand,” Kane introduces. “Since we wish to maintain our new relationship it’s been proposed that we exchange people and learn from each other. Octavia Blake is already Indra’s second. Clarke Griffin will be joining the healers. I propose we ask for volunteers.”

“They’ll all be staying in the general area?” the guard captain Thomas asks gazing over at Clarke and Octavia who has slipped in to stand behind Indra. 

“Indra is the leader of Ton DC and she must stay to see the rebuilding of her village,” Lexa confirms. “But we are at peace, and my people must return to their homes and villages. Whoever chooses to learn from them will go with them.” 

“The 100 need Clarke to stay,” Bellamy speaks up for the first time. “They've been sent to die by the Ark, and experimented on by the mountain men. Clarke protects them.” 

“You and Clarke were both leaders,” Kane replies smoothly. “Clarke is protecting them by leaving with the grounders. You can stay and watch over them. All your crimes are forgiven. The 47 are equal members of the Ark community.” 

“Clarke never finished her training. It makes more sense for her to study with Nyko and learn about the resources available to a healer on earth,” Abby speaks for the first time and she looks suddenly pleased. “It makes sense for all of the remaining 100 to start a mentor-ship program with Ark survivors.” 

Clarke twitches. It does make sense, but it also separates them and puts them under the Arks control. Bellamy catches the movement.

“Something to say Princess?” Bellamy is trying to goad her into action. There’s an empty chair at the table and he gestures to it. Clarke bites her tongue to remain silent. She trusts Bellamy so much more than she trusts herself. Then she trusts the members of the Ark. 

“We want ten of your people total,” Lexa speaks up. She too is looking between the empty chair and Clarke. “We have warriors, cooks, and hunters who are willing to winter with the people of Ark. Nyko leaves tomorrow to look for students that will train. Others will leave soon.” 

“She can’t just leave,” Bellamy explodes. “She’s the only reason we have a truce. What happens when Clarke and The Commander are both gone? What do we do with the rest of the mountain men? This isn't over just because we got our people out of Mount Weather.” 

“Indra will hold the truce,” Lexa never raises her voice although she raises an eyebrow at Bellamy’s outburst. “Indra speaks with my voice for the winter in this matter.” 

“How about we meet again at the end of the day? We can announce to the camp we’re looking for volunteers. We should have them decided by the end of the day.” Kane seems to be reasonable, and even pleased with how things are going. 

The council quickly agrees and it is done. Just like that Clarke has been relieved of her duty and obligations to the remaining 47 and given the opportunity to rebuild herself far away from people who know her as the leader of the sky people. She indicates to her guard that she has to return to her tent to get the last of her belongings. 

Clarke hears the guard raise an objection right before Bellamy muscles his way into her tent full of tension. 

“I know what happened,” Bellamy may have argued during the meeting that she needed to stay, but it seems like he’s about to start a different fight now. Only he meets her eyes and he looks so confused. “You had to have had a reason.”

“Of course there was a reason,” Clarke forces herself to breathe. “And if you ask me if it was worth it, I’d say yes. Because all of you are alive. Because it worked.”

“Would you do it again?” Bellamy hold her in place both physically and with his gaze. 

“I’m so glad you’re alive,” Clarke repeats what she told Jasper, and then she pulls herself away from Bellamy and strides out of the tent. She can’t answer that question. Because everyone, Lexa, Bellamy, herself, they all know the answer. And that’s why she’s leaving. “Keep them alive Bellamy.” 

Clarke forces herself not to look back as she walks right out of camp followed by her guards. One way or another that camp is there because of her. She’s shed blood, tears, and everything she once knew about herself to put it there. She’s leaving behind 47 of the most important people in her life and Bellamy. Bellamy who had snuck in and become the most important. She’s walking away from it all. Because Lexa was wrong. Love isn't weakness. Love makes you a monster.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this may be a series of one shots. Probably all from Clarke's point of view, but maybe surprise appearances by others. At the time of writing/posting I have not seen a second of 2x14. So cannon compliant this may not be. 
> 
> Also let me add that I don't think Clarke or Lexa are monsters. I just think that Clarke is a kid. And while I love Bellamy and Clarke leading the other kids together, I wanted to explore the options of Clarke taking some time for herself, to breathe, to heal, and to grow up. Who knows about the future?


End file.
